do you let your animals watch you have sex?

i can't eat. i do not have any sort of eating disorder, just absolutely no appetite. ever. i throw up every morning (and no i'm not pregnant) mostly after drinking milk. i mean CHUNKS of milk come out. i didn't even know milk could curdle so quickly in your stomach. josh and his mom are constantly dragging me into the kitchen and trying to get some food in me... when they turn away i run back into the dungeon and hide. i don't want them to think i'm deliberately doing this to lose weight because i'm not at all and in fact i feel sick half the time and have been shaking a lot from malnutrition.

this leads to another question...

i am approximately 6 weeks late. i've taken about 7 pregnancy tests and they have all been negative. besides feeling sick in the morning ... haha morning sickness ... no ... there has been no sign as to why i haven't had a fucking period in so long. don't get me wrong, it's kind of nice not having to deal with it but at the same time i'm getting so frustrated. did my vagina die? baby or blood, as disgusting as that sounds. something. anything! cooter, wake up!

aside from all my nastiness...

josh and i are about to hit our one year mark. i don't know if i've ever been with someone for a strait year with no breaks. we haven't even had our first real fight. we were bickering today in front of his mom and she made a comment about how shes never seen a couple fight the way we do... how we don't yell and at the end of the "fight" we just kind of drop it with no resolution to the problem, meanwhile we're half mad and half laughing during. of course there has been a few nights when i wanted to kill him a little bit but it's as if we have some sort of system... something like if i'm totally pissed he'll back down and vice versa. i love my joshy.

i am still jobless but i have another interview on monday. i'm completely running out of money. yeah, money, friends, things to do, health, sanity, and most of all self-esteem. i never thought about it but i've heard from several people that i have almost no confidence and think everyone hates me. can you blame me? on top of that i feel like if i don't keep drinking i'll die from an anxiety attack. my dreams have become more and more vivid, so vivid that it's gotten to the point where i cannot decipher dreams from reality. i have to constantly ask josh if this or that actually happened or it's just in my head. he calls me insane. actually everyones been calling me that lately. to make matters even worse i have to admit that i not only see things but hear them. for a while i was convinced there was a ghost living in our room... a little girl who just wanted to talk. i see different colors on the wall, i see flashes of light (we don't even have a window), i hear clicks and grunts when no one is even home. mom thinks i'm actually going insane and if i don't get medication soon i'll end up in a psych ward... this coming from a psychiatric technician.

then theres the sleep-walking. i won't even get into that. use your imagination and it's probably happened.

i'm done. just got my computer hooked up and i'm bored waiting for everyone to get home from the movies. later!

life is at a stand-still. josh(stein) and i are in the prosess of moving out of marcos house, i have to pack everything since when we first moved in josh didn't bring anything besides a little bag of clothes, i'm having a hard time. my head is beginning to heal after blacking out and smashing to the floor. i have no idea how much my medical bill is going to be after going to the ER. derek still is refusing to repay me... he told me it would be a month or two when i first loaned him money, its been a year and i have no job and therefore no fucking money. i can't even afford to buy christmas presents.

what else can i bitch and moan about?

my knee is black after my legs collapsed under me after the seizure and i fell on pavement. ugh.

i'm enjoying the time i get to spend with josh's parents and his little sister though and they seem to all like me, especially georgia. i moved my kitty in too which feels relieving since i now don't have to worry about her being alone and/or hungry and thursty... on top of the dogs she had to deal with before.

jesus christ i am so negative lately. none of my "friends" even anwser their phones anymore. everyone knows i can't drive (seriously, it's a legal issue) but insist that if i want to hang out i meet them at a bar or restuarant.

1. i have no freaking money. 2. i cant fucking get there. 3. i just had a seizure and should NOT be drinking. i'm really not so negative in real life, i desperately need to vent to someone and i almost refuse to complain to josh since hes just as stressed as i am. FML! things can only get better (which is what i said a couple weeks ago and then i had to go to the hospital...) gah!

am i the only one who puts ice cubes in my milk? its just never cold enough...

still jobless. still diver-license-less. still mildly homeless. still trying to get the money i loaned out to derek back. my life is a laughing matter.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH to all that have anwsered their phones. i always anwser your calls, i suppose you're too pre-occupied to take a fucking call once in a while.

i will still take yours though.

i'm about to go upstairs to find my sleeping pills because tonight will be a true nightmare. josh passed on some sort of illness and i feel horrible plus i drink way to much milk.

i told the pigantelli's i planned on leaving by the end of the month... in july. they assured me there was no need and i should take my time. about a week ago i come to find a note on my door saying it's time to go on my own and i have by the end of the month. i already was looking but since they insisted i was still welcome there i chilled a little on rushing the move out.

so, PERFECT TIMING because i had a falling out with my boss. we got into a screaming fight and he told me to get the fuck out. i left, furious that he was so harsh on me, but came back the next day to work. my shift was covered. he got karon to covor all my shifts. he fired me without telling me. karon didnt tell me. jerry didnt tell me. they are so non-confrontational. ugh. i cant believe no one would even bother calling or even talking to me!!

funny thing is adriana and natalie are out of town for 10 days at the same time as i left so i hope they are fucked up their assholes.

i gathered boxes and have begun packing. josh insists i live with him at his new house and i want to so badly, and will, but i fear so badly that it will just ruin our relationship so quickly. we spend almost every waking moment together already but... still. it's happened to me before.

josh is truel amazing though and has bent backwards to help me in every way. i let him drive my car all the time and we usually split the cost of gas but generally speaking he is a solid guy. the only ironic thing is that i doubt any of my troubles would have happened if it werent for him being in my life. DUI probabl wouldn't have happened, work anger was created by karon (his aunt) for being so uncomfortable with him dating me, and the pignatelli's wouldn't be so mad if he wasen't over so much/me being gone so often. i am NOT blaming him but the meak heather who doesnt do shit wouldnt have ended up this way. i dunno.

confused. stressed. pissed. anxious. extremely happy with my boy. hmmm.....

blarney island was fun, lots of ups and downs though. nat poured a drink down my shirt, i danced like an idiot with karon half the night, nick and micheal got into a face-off, ashley was the only one who was wasted, len shut the fuck up for once, adriana and nick got caught by security having sex in the lake... think thats about it. awesome time. plus when josh and i left we stopped for cigarettes at the gas station then went to get a burger, once we got the burger (maybe 2 minutes later) walgreens was on fire! there was a cop car directly behind us which was really freaking him out but i dunno, we didnt do anything wrong and everyone else was watching too. chill boy! no arson! cameras are everywhere, we're good.

began apartment searching and have an appointment tomorrow to check out a place on roosevelt rd. which is cool because it could only take me ten minutes to walk to work. also its almost directly across the street from laura. theres a few other places i'm interested in and am waiting to hear back from.

nat and i were talking about getting our own place together but i just don't know how serious she is about it. we haven't had the time to sit down and talk it out. i'm feeling much more eager to get out since i feel like i'm wearing out my welcome here whereas shes the daughter and basically runs this house.

ugh i so don't feel like writing right now.

been with joshie for about 5 weeks now (officially speaking [still feels weird to call him josh by the way]) and i'm still getting the butterflies, he's coming over tonight for a while and i'm watching the clock. this is unlike me, i wonder when the infatuation ends. i am NOT the sort of person to wait around for anyone so i figure within a few more weeks i'll get into the "eh..." mind set. just how i am. i am going to enjoy this while it lasts though. my josh. my josh with his anger issues. my josh who is so unemotional. aquarius tend to be like that, they are extremely direct and extremely unemotional! aries on the other hand.. we're extremely passionate and bold. bold and direct doesn't sound like it will go to well together. whateveee. i don't work well with anyone really because i demand independence. never never never never tell me what i can and cannot do, this has broken up so many of my relationships. dear josh- i will not be unfaithful, i will not steal, deceive, or hurt you. in return i ask that i can be myself and roam free as an individual. we are all animals after all.

mom said shes coming next month and staying with theresa at her commune in michigan. cant wait to see her! probably wont see her for more than a few days though. i miss her, not as a mother but as a person. shes never really felt like a mother to me which i am not complaining about, but truth be said.

knee is still hurting.

volleyball is sucking.

work is slow therefore i'm not making shit.

and the "curse of the heather" is getting stronger. i'm almost beginning to believe its true. it's not all necessarily bad things but a series of coincidenses and events that freak me out! josh knows. he sees it too. i'll say a work and it will appear in some form... tv, billboard, real life, and within a second. i'll start talking about someone randomly and they'll call a second after i say their name. just weird shit. it's all the fucking time. even if i THINK about something is will appear in some form. i'm not kidding here, it's beginning to freak me out a bit.

( i love my girlies... and my new booooooyfrieeeeeeeeend )

Alaina was murdered by her ex-boyfriend on saturday, he shot her in the back of the head.


(guy in the picture is not her ex)


the article:
http://www.kenoshanews.com/home/2_die_in_murder_suicide_7851711.html


rest in peace Alaina, you will be remembered.